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Depression and other things nobody wishes to read...

Posted on 2006.04.27 at 17:18
I'm feeling...: depresseddepressed
The Music that takes me away from it all....: My fan & outside noises...the beeping of a truck backing up.
Does no one see me drowning in a pit of self loathing and depression so deep, it could turn any gut into a bit of bile and even deeper cuts than the scars that graciouslessly rid this body of mine? Tell me what it is that won't leave this mind and soul and body of mine to allow me the ability to even show my face other than a few mere minutes to get a drink, or a trip to the bathroom, or even a short trip to get those formidable saviours of mine, death sticks? Oh woo, leave me for just long enough to get a hold on your deathly grip around my mind and allow a breath of fresh air, that isn't stale with the self-loathing, despicable worthlessness, and just the pure denial and depression that clutches at me so?!?
Enough...
I'm just tired of it all and tired of this useless thing I call a life, that isn't even so.... I'm so damn tired of the clutches that wrap their steel fingers around me so and choke any happiness and worthy feelings nor any feelings of goodness or being able to do anything...
I hate myself and I can't stand the way I am, but I put on a fake mask, yet another in a long line anytime anyone so much as glances at me or when my roomate, remembers she does have another person living in this apartment with her, oh how far does self-centeredness go? But even when she ventures and comes knocking as she did last night, for the first time in a while, and ask if she could come in and have a cig and chat a bit, even then, when I'm so used to putting on a mask and drumming up a bit of conversation as easy as anytime, it was painfully difficult and I could barely get anything out without almost choking on my own tongue and wishing in the name of all things sacred that I could just talk to someone and not put up a front and have to lie and be able to just talk like it wasn't killing me to do so, even in the most basic of all things in normal conversation... I've gone so far into the darkness, that even now with the sun shining in my window next to my desk, that all I see is the haze of that I'm so used to and wishing that I could crawl out and not burrow myself deeper and deeper wihtout anyone, besides family, who care and ask about things... I havn't got many friends anymore, more my doing than anyone elses... blah... I know nobody reads this, but if they did, I'm sorry for putting you through having to read about this bullshit I call a life and the fingers of depression that have wrapped themselves so far around my mind that I do not care about much of anything anymore and all I wish is to crawl into a ball, as I often do to keep things at bay and to rein in my anxiety, but I do not even think I can go further in life and do not think I am worthy of much anymore, if even that, and I do not think I can even go further in school and I just wish to drop out because I know I suck at it and can't do it... but ignore me I'm just rambling... it means nothing...




God do you hear me? or am I damned...

hehehe.... The truth behind a woman's word(s)....

Posted on 2006.04.12 at 23:07
I'm feeling...: amusedamused
The Music that takes me away from it all....: backround noise, AKA- Ash&co high as kites&noisy *rollseyes*
I found this a while back when I was surfing and the same old stuff, well I came across this on someone's blog and thought it was quite funny and yes it is pretty true as well, mostly anyways...okay well a lot of it...LMAO

Enjoy!

Hope everyone is doing good and enjoying the beautiful sunshine... Well it was full of sunshine when I first posted this on my myspace page, but I just now got around to posting it here, so I hope ya'll did enjoy it at least!!! hehe:) anyways... I'll also post a pic for ya'll as well since it has been a while since I last posted one:-D If anyone looks that is... heh It also shows sunniness, yes I made that word up, and even if it was from a while back, it's still sunniness right?!? LOL cheesiness is me! hehe





1. "Fine."

This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right, but can't stand to hear you any longer. It means that you should shut up. (Never use "fine" to descirbe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

2. "Five minutes"

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

3. "Nothing"

"Nothing" means something, and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)

This is NOT permission, it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result willl be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "Five-Minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)

This is NOT permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" whe she cools off.

6. "Loud Sigh"

This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by some. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a completet idiot, and she wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing"

7. "Soft Sigh"

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

8. "Oh"

This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence ususally signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will ge t a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead", sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

9. "That's Okay"

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word, "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

10. "Please Do"

This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

11. "Thanks"

The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meanings. Just say "You're Welcome."

12. "Thanks A Lot"

"Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her is some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you, "Nothing."

13. "We'll See"
This is one of the most notorious statements, equivalent to saying, "No," that has ever been put on a woman's lips. If you ever think, "We'll See," might mean there is a possibility, you have a better chance of Bin Laden becoming president of the United States.


Hope ya'll enjoyed that, I thought it was quite funny!

Chao!

Dirty Innocence

Writing

Posted on 2006.03.21 at 14:31
I'm feeling...: creativecreative
The Music that takes me away from it all....: Joss Stone
I'm thinking about making a story, well not thinking, I am writing a story, I always write and while it may not be the best, its mine and I love to write so it doesn't matter... Anyways the point is I'm still comming up with different plots and twists and like most, I don't know much about it, except I'm just writing.. So anyways I am posting this because I'm going to put in a bit of what I have, its just a small taste and while I know it isn't much, I'm just curious to see if anyone will read and give me any opinions about it... Whatever... But also if you want to give me any feedback on the post titled, "Words flow with emotions as strong as these" or something like that, anyways I would much appreciate it!



When asked about ones self, their life, their secrets, in the undermined way that many ask and appear to be confident in the way that person would see them and so willingly give themselves and their lies away to the revealing exposed skin that is truth, but there is always the half-truth of this whole ordeal. A person rarely gives their entirety of truth to another breathing soul, masked with just as much secrets and half-truths and lies, as the other.
But even more hide behind the masks and untruths they build around themselves, not allowing those who ask without asking, give trust without giving it, and who so eloquently play for a persons’ soul and their masks, as if they were to be trampled upon and waved victoriously in the air, as if it was the head of an evil empire just defeated.
Rose was one of these. She allowed herself to be drawn, as most are, to the lies and the masks, all different and carefully sculpted in a way, that is no stranger to the practice of it all, knowing with an air of indifference most of the time, of the protected nature she has come to know and love and detest all at the same time.
It was experience that had molded its cruel fingers around her soul and twisted her into the withdrawn and social –fearing person that she is today.

Dirty Innocence

Oh dear... Forgot there were pictures... woopsie

Posted on 2006.03.19 at 09:14
I'm feeling...: mischievousmischievous
The Music that takes me away from it all....: Devils Dance Floor, Flogging Molly
Oh wait... I found these... I remember this, it was the last shot before I left, so yeah...
Follow the following steps for tequilla shots...
Step 1: Get shot and such ready...
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Step 2: Lick the salt
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Step 3: Take shot and proceed to suck on lime...
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I know not like me huh? Well thats how the set up was last night and I figured for the last shot I would go ahead and follow in the example of my peers... hmmm It was fun! Thats all I have to say... Boys hope ya'll enjoy this, I know those there last night, even if we were just doing shots, were having a hell of a time soppin it up! But boys will be boys...

Just a sides glance

St. Patricks Day...My minds rumblings are in the forefront of my thoughts..

Posted on 2006.03.19 at 08:24
I'm feeling...: curiouscurious
The Music that takes me away from it all....: My minds musings and some Slim thrown in for good measure...
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I hope everyone had a good St.Paddys Day.... I know I did, I decided to go ahead and leave the safe folds of my hobbit hole and come out into the light, well dark, since it was going on 10 when I emerged for the celebration that was taking place in my apt! Apparently I was too late, since my roomie was already passed out in her room, along with a couple others, and thus it was dubbed the "too drunk for St. Paddys Day room" quite funny if you think about it! But then again she did start drinking at like 4... Well I don't remember much after getting to the bar, since me and a friend were 21 and wanted to go down the street to the NYP and drink... I know it seems weird I wouldn't remember much after getting there right?!? well thats if you thought for a minute that I hadn't drank anything before I left! I remember getting to the bar and hanging out and meeting some new ppl and watching the end of the Carolina and Murry St. game, which we won:) And also remember getting an Irish Car Bomb and a Malibu Baberies to chase it down with... But after that, only fuzzy pictures come up in my mind and well... hmm Lets just say I look forward to finding out... or not so much... hehe.. Since tequilla was involved after all! LOL Yup I had 4 double shots of tequilla before I even left the apartment, see what had happened was... LOL No seriously Ashley, not the roomie, but another of our friends, well she and everyone else, that wasn't passed out that is, were so happy, not just about my emergance of my humble abode, but also that I decided I was gonna drink, well they kept handing me shots and so yeah I figured what the hell, since I am 21 and havn't gotten drunk in a while and have only really drank twice since turning 21 in Nov, I figured what the hell.... So here I am blabbing about basically not much at all since I don't remember much... hmmm the antics of an repressed college loner... LOL
Alright on that note I'm out...

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Dirty Innocence

Pondering words....

Posted on 2006.03.16 at 19:39
I'm feeling...: creativecreative
The Music that takes me away from it all....: Mix- at the moment, Jay-Z/Linkin Park-Numb/Encore
I'm warning you that if I post anything but this poem that my brain is mush! So I am not to be held responsible for anything I may say or whatever non-coherent thoughts might pop out on their own accord... okay I warned ya, but I'm only posting to put up a poem, as I sometimes do... I like poems...


"Are you true?
Is this true?
Can you be true?

Do you really care?
Do you mean that?
Will you remain?

Say you love me!
Say that again, that "I've always had you"!
Say you'll be faithful to me through and through!

Whatever you do
However you say it
Wherever you go...

I'll always be true to you
I'll always be me and not say a thing
I'll always be here for you

My words are yours
My heart is yours
I am yours

But most importantly
Its always been you and for this you must know
How my heart will always remember you"


hmmm... Just wanted to say I'm alive, of course, I may be a bit, well, a nut case, but I'm too damn stubborn to do anything but breathe... See that made no sense, but hey you should know this by now... Okay so maybe I'll post when my brain solidifies a bit more... if that happens today that is... hehehe (sing-song voice) *squishy brain, squishy brain, my brain is a squishy brain*
Hey I warned ya...

Posted on 2006.03.16 at 12:05
I pray to all things that control whatever, that they will make this torturous pain go away... fucking bullshit bastard...grrr okay I'm going to go call the doc again, damnit pain hasn't been this bad in a while, with the exception, of course, of my incestant migraines... god....

Posted on 2006.03.15 at 17:55
hmmm... Dunno... a bit hyper... with music blasting and actually pretty contempt at the moment... will update later...maybe;) Those who know me, well you know me, so you know how likely it is for me to remember...
And yes I know the grammar and spelling in this is not, well, it's shit... LOL
Cho!

Dirty Innocence

Some quiz on personality

Posted on 2006.02.18 at 20:29


Your Personality Is


Idealist (NF)




You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.

You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.



You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.

Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.



You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.

Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.



In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily.



At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.



With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone.



As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.



On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

Dirty Innocence
Posted on 2006.02.07 at 02:14
"Tears come and they will go
but thoughts stay and they will scar
and Depression mingles, while Paxil's sprinkled
Tell me will I ever be the same 'ol me?"

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